 British Dispatches
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Wednesday, June 29, 2005 ( 8:20 PM ) Spengy GOVERNMENT In light of the up coming G8 summit just up the road here are a few peoples quips on the executive and legislature of the heads of power. They must have been compiled by a lawyer as there is nothing cutting about the third head of power the judiciary.
# Monday, May 30, 2005 ( 8:21 PM ) Spengy THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO When riding home from work on your bicycle watch out for pedestrians who step out from between parked cars without looking. You will have nowhere to go except over the handlebars in order to avoid hitting them. You will then post an entry on your blog typing with one hand as the other is in plaster. Spengy has split the radius in his right arm and is to revisit the surgeon tomorrow to see is he needs to have surgery to pin his bone back in place. The bike and cycling gear are undamaged except the helmet which split in two. I have no time for those who object to compulsory wearing of helmets. You only have one head. # Thursday, May 12, 2005 ( 4:46 PM ) Spengy THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO Never lick a steak knife. # Sunday, October 03, 2004 ( 5:01 PM ) Spengy CLASSICS FROM THE EDINBURGH FRINGE FESTIVAL My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars ... he's really let himself go. My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people. A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day ... She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research? I said, "All right, but we won't get much done." I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?" The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink". Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. I read a book called "The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler". It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him. Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. # Thursday, September 09, 2004 ( 10:43 PM ) Spengy JOURNEY 1, 2 SKIP A FEW 99, 100 That's right boys and girls, this slightly overweight, receding hairlined, middle aged bloke is in full-time employment and riding to work each day on his stainless steel hybrid street cycle - otherwise known as "The Tractor". Rain, hail or shine, hot or cold - well cold really most of the time - I can be found cranking the pedals to and from Richmond to the city centre. My scenic route takes me along the Thames, over Putney Bridge (four lanes of lunacy), up Kings Road through Chelsea (darling), around Sloane Square (darling, darling), across Knightsbridge (darling, darling, darling), into Hyde Park, on up to Marble Arch (well almost, I can see it from where a cross Park Lane - which by the way is not a lane but 8 lanes of insanity), past the American Embassy (where I get to wave at the friendly London bobbies packing "don't mess with me" Hekkler & Koch machine guns behind massive concrete bollards) and park across the road from Claridges (home to the worlds most foul mouthed angry chef - Gordon Ramsey aka dickhead). The best bit about the commute is that I get to race a whole heap of prestige and supercars up King Street in Chelsea. Unfortunately for tin-tops this street is guaranteed to be a single file crawl in both directions. Where as for those two wheel lycra clad commuters brave enough to clench their sphincter and play chicken it is a race track. I have dragged and beaten Ferraris, Lamborghini's, AC Cobras, Caterham 7's, Koenigseggs, Maseratis, Porsches (dime a dozen), BMW M series, Lotus's, a Dodge Viper, DB7's 8's and a few 9's (Aston Martins for you heathens), Jaguars, Bentleys, Rolls Royce's and even a McLaren. Why is this ramble titled "JOURNEY 1, 2 SKIP A FEW 99, 100" I can hear you ask. It is simple, the ride is 10 miles long so I am clocking up 100 miles a week on the tractor (that is 160km for the rest of the world that doesn't see the need to cling to some outdated measurement system to remind themselves that they were once an empire - mind you the title wouldn't have worked with "160"). # Friday, September 03, 2004 ( 10:04 PM ) Spengy PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS I have to undertake performance appraisals again for my staff. There is one who is beyond belief. Which of the following options would you choose for me to put down at the end of the report as the overall summary. Leave your vote in "Comments". 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When they opens their mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "This young person has delusions of adequacy." 7. "They set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner they start, the better." 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 12. "This employee doesn't have ulcers, but they are definitely a carrier." 13. "I would like to go hunting with them sometime." 14. "This employee has been working with glue too much." 15. "He would argue with a signpost." 16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'." 30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" # Thursday, August 19, 2004 ( 1:06 PM ) Spengy WHEN IS A BLOG NOT A BLOG? When it becomes a millstone around ones neck. When one feel "obliged" to post rather than "wants". When one has nothing to say. When one is at home sick and bored. When one is at home sick and lacking inspiration. Help. # Monday, July 05, 2004 ( 4:21 PM ) Spengy THE NEW ZEN 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow .... In fact, just f-off and leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. 3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. # Thursday, June 10, 2004 ( 4:12 PM ) Spengy MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE When you think you've been burning the candles at both ends & partying too hard just remember this: Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming "Fuck, what a trip!" # Sunday, May 16, 2004 ( 4:01 PM ) Spengy 1st PRIZE IN THE ANNUAL AMERICAN CRIMINAL LAWYERS JOURNAL "STRANGE BUT TRUE" COMPETITION A Charlotte, North Carolina, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated never the less, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. # ( 3:59 PM ) Spengy BLOODY HELL Go away for a few weeks and Blogger changes everything. Not sure if I like the new changes but it is free so I can't really complain. # Tuesday, April 27, 2004 ( 11:07 PM ) Spengy IT IS ALL PART OF THE GAME Some of the greatest of all time cricket sledges; 1. Trueman and Aussie batsman In a England v Australia Test during early 1960's Trueman was fielding close to the gate from the pavilllion. As a new batsman came out he turned to shut the gate, Trueman said "Don't bother son, you won't be out there long enough." 2. Rod Marsh and Ian Botham When Botham took guard in a Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife and my kids?" 3. Daryll Cullinan and Shane Warne As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted. 4. Adam Parore and Daryll Cullinan Because Cullinan is well known for being Warne's bunny, New Zealand keeper Parore greeted the South African, carefully playing the first ball from kiwi Chris Harris, with a cry of: "Bowled Warnie!" 5. Glenn McGrath and Eddo Brandes After Brandes played and missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" "Cos every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied. 6. Robin Smith and Merv Hughes During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed: "You can't fucking bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat and you can't fucking bowl." 7. Merv Hughes and Javed Miandad During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman. 8. Merv Hughes and Viv Richards During a test match in the West Indies Hughes didn't say a word to Viv but continued to stare at him after deliveries: "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say fuck off." 9. Ricky Ponting and Shaun Pollock After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "you know what it looks like, now go find it." # ( 10:53 PM ) Spengy I FORGOT ONE The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown : Dire. The title of this post pretty well somes it up really. If you feel the urge to purchase this book try drilling holes in your head or swallowing wasps until it passes. # Monday, April 26, 2004 ( 11:00 PM ) Spengy BOOKS - I'VE HAD A FEW I do have a confession to make - I have been reading alot more since I retired from the regular posting period of my blog-life. Since we last chatted I have absorbed; Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides : Brilliant. I really recommend this to you. Vernon God Little - DBC Pierre : Great read after you get used to the fact that "fuck" appears to be the new verb, noun, adjective and adverb. Don't let some reviewer who can't come up with an original view put you off by saying "a modern day Catcher in the Rye". Well recommended Quarantine - Jim Crace : No wasted words. As dry and sparse as the place in which it is set. Is Musa the devil and Jesus the messiah? Recommended. Star of the Sea - Joseph O'Connor : Don't believe the hype. Starts and develops nicely but let down by an author who seems to have run out of ideas 100 pages before the end. Recommended for long-haul flight reading only ......... funny that, I picked this up in an airport. Spinners - Anthony McCarten : Fun, witty and quirky but not brilliant. Recommended for a rainy afternoon The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon : Great. Do yourself a favour, go out and buy this book tomorrow and read it. # ( 10:22 PM ) Spengy WELL I NEVER Bloody hell this working lark is a mighty hard thing. How do some of you find the time to surf the net, write a blog, make comments in other peoples blogs and generally arse about and hold down a full time job? Either you are a bunch of bludging free loaders (tautology?) or are incredibly efficient, highly intelligent superbeings. If it is the former, I want your job. If it is the latter then I am totally depressed because you are all way too clever for me OR I have just had a nine month period of surfing the net and talking to a bunch of computers with some fairly impressive forms of artificial intelligence. Either way I should probably give up trying to multi-task (work and blog). Please feel free to leave words of encouragement or discouragement as you see fit. # Sunday, March 28, 2004 ( 4:48 PM ) Spengy WINDOWS V's CARS For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on: At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1.. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3.. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! Re-open the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4.. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5.. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6.. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7.. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8.. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9.. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10.. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. " # ( 4:14 PM ) Spengy D'OH Examples of people who have opended their mouths before actually thinking through what it is that is coming out. ......................... Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ......................... "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey ......................... "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ......................... "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ......................... "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ......................... "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ......................... "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," A congressional candidate in Texas. ......................... "Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ......................... "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Al Gore, Vice President ......................... "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle ......................... " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" George Bush, US President ......................... "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca ......................... "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. ......................... "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ......................... "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ......................... "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." Bill Clinton, President ......................... "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Al Gore, VP ......................... "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." Keppel Enderbery ......................... "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ......................... "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ......................... Thanks Uncle Rob # Thursday, March 11, 2004 ( 11:48 PM ) Spengy GOD BLESS AUSTRALIANS This is a true story. It occurred on a Melbourne Australia radio. One of the FM stations has a competition where they phone someone up, ask them three personal questions, phone their partner, ask them the same three questions and if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex? Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian? Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate? Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian! Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter) Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife? Brian: Yeah, alright. Song is played Presenter: Welcome back listeners. We have Brian's wife on the phone. Hi Sharelle, how are you? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi Brian. Brian: Hi Sharelle. Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle: O.K. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex? Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co- Presenter: That's close enough ...Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it? Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em. Sharelle: Ohhhh .....alright .....Up the ass! RADIO SILENCE ADVERTISEMENT Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break. An urban myth but an absolute cracker. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did the first time I heard it. # Tuesday, March 09, 2004 ( 12:19 AM ) Spengy BRIS-VEGAS DIARY Only those of us who have ever been sent to Bris-vegas to work for a year will truely relate to this. The rest of you can only imagine..... September 1st: Just got transferred with work and moved into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper. September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. October 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected. October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat XXXX. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts. October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? November 4th: It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place. November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!! November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. November 10th: The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat. November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here? December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? 40 degrees???? Ya kiddin me!!!! Thanks Muldie # Wednesday, March 03, 2004 ( 10:40 PM ) Spengy HANDY CONVERSION TABLES Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 Billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment) 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it...) 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League Thanks Uncle Rob # Monday, March 01, 2004 ( 9:08 PM ) Spengy WORLD ECONOMICS - A BOVINESQUE ANALOGY I don't think Adam Smith could have put it any better himself; TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buy your bull. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute. Thanks Marky Mark # Monday, February 23, 2004 ( 11:43 PM ) Spengy SPEED CAMERAS - FOR SAFETY NOT REVENUE GENERATION Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its numberplate. After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times. As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself. Go Aussies!! # Saturday, February 21, 2004 ( 1:37 PM ) Spengy SORRY I have been away and didn't much feel like blogging for a while. Hopefully it will wear off over the next few days. # Thursday, February 05, 2004 ( 8:55 PM ) Spengy I MAY NOT GET ON Scene: Crowded tube carriage in centre of London at the peak of the morning rush hour Spengy: You stuck-up pushy bitch. Commuter: [Voice-over to indicate internal thoughts] I may not get on therefore I am entitled to push past you to get on the crowded train before you. When you push on behind me to take the place that was rightfully yours I will huff loudly and say "There is another train coming along in 3 minutes so there is no need to push". You have no right to say what you said to me. I fucking hate the tubes in rush hour. You can forget about that bullshit that the British know how to queue properly. # Tuesday, February 03, 2004 ( 2:50 PM ) Spengy REVIEW - BOOKS I have been remiss and slack. I may not be the bookworm that others are (I confess I have a TV that seems to suck me into the couch most evenings) but I have been reading. I have not, however been posting my reviews at the completion of each book. Hence a back-log. Hence this post; Lake Wobegon Days - Garrison Keillor A great book. Stories about life in a small town. It doesn't flow as a narrative. Each chapter could be read as a separate short story but there is enough to glue them together. This book had me laughing out loud on the tube. I have been aware of this book for years but never got around to reading it until now. What a waste, this is a gem. The Christmas Mystery - Jostein Gaarder A Christmas book to be read a chapter a day from the 1st until the 24th of December. Just like an advent calendar, which is what the book is about. Cute concept. I reckon this is something to read to kids not for yourself. It is pretentious pseudo-philosophy for the masses. A bit like Jonathan Livingston Seagull. You know what I mean - profound when you read it at 14 but see it for the crap that it is now. Bravo Two Zero - Andy McNab Trash. Utter rubbish. Completely mindless and therefore a great Christmas holiday read. Couldn't put it down. An Artist of the Floating World - Kazuo Ishiguro Lovely. Not a word wasted, refined, sparse and polished. No espionage, no thrills, no action, just the recollections of an old Japanese artist whose career spanned the rise of Japanese imperialism and WW2. Remains of the Day has been added to my must read pile by the bed. The Plague - Albert Camus Whoa - not an easy book. You have to concentrate constantly to get the most out of it; At that moment he knew what his mother was thinking, and that she loved him. But he knew, too, that to love someone means relatively little; or, rather, that love is never strong enough to find the words befitting it. Thus he and his mother would always love each other silently. And one day she - or he - would die, without ever, all their lives long, having gone farther than this by way of making their affection known. Thus, too, he had lived at Tarrou's side and Tarrou had died this evening without their friendship's having had time to enter fully into the life of either. Tarrou had 'lost the match', as he put it. But what had he, Rieux won? No more than the experience of having known plague and remembering it, of having known friendship and remembering it, of knowing affection and being destined one day to remember it. So all a man could win in the conflict between plague and life was knowledge and memories. But Tarrou, perhaps, would have called that winning the match. - A. Camus, The Plague (1947 translation 1948) 279. But well worth the effort. Freaky looking cover that had people staring at me on the tube. # Thursday, January 29, 2004 ( 6:48 PM ) Spengy LAW OF THE JUNGLE - #1 Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to our leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with." Thanks Muldie # Wednesday, January 28, 2004 ( 1:04 AM ) Spengy BETTER LATE THAN NEVER Here's a little piece I received about Australia on Australia Day but was too drunk to get it together to post. As I'll be away from a computer all of Wednesday I post this as well - so don't ever say I don't try. You now have two posts to read and keep you amused (see Tues 27th below as well). NATIONAL PRIDE As we close the doors on 2003 & reflect on the Rugby, the Davis Cup, Steve Waugh & the Indian Test and Labour leaders past & present, perhaps its timely to remember who we really are.........? We are people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas & the occasional wanker. We come from many lands, although a few too many of us come from New Zealand & although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch & moan about it whenever we bloody well like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States... First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of the turtleneck, cafe latte, AFL grand final & big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". That's what they think! The rest of us think it is too bloody cold & too bloody wet. Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly & millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world...and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces and it holds the world record for the biggest single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners & bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation - where else can you so effectively reuse country bank Vaults & barrels as in Snowtown (google search it). Adelaide, the capital of SA once hosted the F1 Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts & many of them still work there in the government & business. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru & dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet & its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there & the rest of us prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland...While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day & perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a complete mystery. Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the better. We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists & turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for inter-national recognition. Not that we're whingeing...we leave that to our Pommie immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude & "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem...so what if it's about a sheep-stealing criminal who commits suicide?? We love our sport - we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby (we have won it twice), AFL, roo-shooting, two-up & horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea & pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem like racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we admit it! I am, you are, we are Australian. # Tuesday, January 27, 2004 ( 11:50 PM ) Spengy I WANT A NEW DRUG Here is a list of some of the new drugs about to be launched onto the market by the multi-national pharmaceutical corporations in 2004. DAMMITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St. MOM'SWORT: Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups, swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting skills. DUMEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of Country Western music. FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN: Potent antibiotic for women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person and, can we get naked now?" BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. SEXCEDRIN: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. RAGAMET: When administered to a husband or boyfriend, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the woman the time and trouble of doing it herself. Thanks Uncle Rob # Monday, January 26, 2004 ( 8:43 PM ) Spengy HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY TO YOUZ ALL If you have broadband then you should enjoy Australia Day even more with this (2.8mb - about the 6th one down ..... look for Hahn) # Saturday, January 24, 2004 ( 4:37 PM ) Spengy HURRAH FOR HALOSCAN I hope I have now solved my lack of comments issue. Post away as you please. Maybe even suggest which "Things It is Best Not to Do" you'd like to hear/read. Try looking back down the page to an earlier entry. Too hungover to write anything else. Sorry, you'll just have to wait until next week. # Thursday, January 22, 2004 ( 10:41 PM ) Spengy REPEATING MYSELF? Can't remember if I have done this one. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Under pressure things tend to go wrong Yes I watched the program on BBC2 about the Atkins diet. Hence what triggered me to put up this post (again - maybe). # Wednesday, January 21, 2004 ( 8:48 PM ) Spengy WHY AND WHERE I left work on time yesterday and as I approached Oxford Circus tube station I saw masses of people queuing up (what is it with the queue - don't get me started on that one because that is a whole other story/post) at the steps down to the station. I couldn't be bothered so I turned about face and strolled down to Bond Street tube. Today I left work late and as I approached Oxford Circus tube station I saw masses of people queuing up (what is it with the queue - don't get me started on that one because that is a whole other story/post) at the steps down to the station. I couldn't be bothered so I joined the other apathetic commuters and milled about at the top of the steps. Every so often tinny sounding PA messages drifted up the steps. The station was temporarily closed due to excessive crowds already in the station. Why? I find it hard to believe that a station the size of Oxford Circus could become over crowded even in rush hour. Ten minutes later they opened the gates and we surged forward down the stairs. It was really strange as there wasn't a sole at the bottom of the stairs waiting to get out. With the station closed people can't get in but by the same token people who alighted at Oxford Circus couldn't get out. Where had they all gone? There must be a secret entrance that they let people of which I have now made my mission to discover. # Tuesday, January 20, 2004 ( 10:30 PM ) Spengy JESUSSHITCHRISTONABIKEBO LLOCKSBUMHOLEFUCKARSE Here was me thinking no one loved me anymore. I was beginning to enjoy the wallowing in self pity. The quietly calming quality of the depths of depression. The anonimity of just another blog residing on the Z-list, slow turning in an eddy far from the main current. Oh woo is me ............. what ............. sorry ................. my comment thingy isn't working ......... oh .............. sorry .............. any recommendations on what to replace it with ........... what .......... you can't leave a comment ........... ah, bit of a catch-22 then isn't it .......... try email # Monday, January 19, 2004 ( 10:44 PM ) Spengy THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO - #26 Seeing there was a total lack of response to my Wednesday post last week (yes I know "comments" was down for several days but that just gave you more time to come up with your pithy statement) this is all you are going to get. When washing brand new business shirts read the washing instructions rather than assuming that because they are white they should go in the wash on the hottest setting. Anyone out there with a size 33 neck? Thank god the January sales were still on. # |
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