Dispatch RiderBritish Dispatches
Thursday, January 29, 2004
      ( 6:48 PM ) Spengy  

LAW OF THE JUNGLE - #1

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to our leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."

Thanks Muldie
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
      ( 1:04 AM ) Spengy  

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER


Here's a little piece I received about Australia on Australia Day but was too drunk to get it together to post. As I'll be away from a computer all of Wednesday I post this as well - so don't ever say I don't try. You now have two posts to read and keep you amused (see Tues 27th below as well).

NATIONAL PRIDE

As we close the doors on 2003 & reflect on the Rugby, the Davis Cup, Steve Waugh & the Indian Test and Labour leaders past & present, perhaps its timely to remember who we really are.........?

We are people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas & the occasional wanker. We come from many lands, although a few too many of us come from New Zealand & although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch & moan about it whenever we bloody well like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States...

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of the turtleneck, cafe latte, AFL grand final & big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". That's what they think! The rest of us think it is too bloody cold & too bloody wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly & millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world...and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces and it holds the world record for the biggest single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners & bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation - where else can you so effectively reuse country bank Vaults & barrels as in Snowtown (google search it). Adelaide, the capital of SA once hosted the F1 Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts & many of them still work there in the government & business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru & dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet & its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there & the rest of us prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland...While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day & perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a complete mystery.

Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists & turns kill more of us each year than murderers.

We are united in our lust for inter-national recognition. Not that we're whingeing...we leave that to our Pommie immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude & "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem...so what if it's about a sheep-stealing criminal who commits suicide??

We love our sport - we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby (we have won it twice), AFL, roo-shooting, two-up & horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea & pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem like racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we admit it!

I am, you are, we are Australian.
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
      ( 11:50 PM ) Spengy  

I WANT A NEW DRUG

Here is a list of some of the new drugs about to be launched onto the market by the multi-national pharmaceutical corporations in 2004.

DAMMITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

St. MOM'SWORT: Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups, swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting skills.

DUMEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of Country Western music.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN: Potent antibiotic for women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person and, can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

SEXCEDRIN: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband or boyfriend, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the woman the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Thanks Uncle Rob
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Monday, January 26, 2004
      ( 8:43 PM ) Spengy  

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY TO YOUZ ALL

If you have broadband then you should enjoy Australia Day even more with this (2.8mb - about the 6th one down ..... look for Hahn)
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Saturday, January 24, 2004
      ( 4:37 PM ) Spengy  

HURRAH FOR HALOSCAN

I hope I have now solved my lack of comments issue. Post away as you please. Maybe even suggest which "Things It is Best Not to Do" you'd like to hear/read. Try looking back down the page to an earlier entry.

Too hungover to write anything else. Sorry, you'll just have to wait until next week.
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Thursday, January 22, 2004
      ( 10:41 PM ) Spengy  

REPEATING MYSELF?

Can't remember if I have done this one.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Under pressure things tend to go wrong

Yes I watched the program on BBC2 about the Atkins diet. Hence what triggered me to put up this post (again - maybe).
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
      ( 8:48 PM ) Spengy  

WHY AND WHERE

I left work on time yesterday and as I approached Oxford Circus tube station I saw masses of people queuing up (what is it with the queue - don't get me started on that one because that is a whole other story/post) at the steps down to the station. I couldn't be bothered so I turned about face and strolled down to Bond Street tube.

Today I left work late and as I approached Oxford Circus tube station I saw masses of people queuing up (what is it with the queue - don't get me started on that one because that is a whole other story/post) at the steps down to the station. I couldn't be bothered so I joined the other apathetic commuters and milled about at the top of the steps. Every so often tinny sounding PA messages drifted up the steps. The station was temporarily closed due to excessive crowds already in the station. Why? I find it hard to believe that a station the size of Oxford Circus could become over crowded even in rush hour.

Ten minutes later they opened the gates and we surged forward down the stairs. It was really strange as there wasn't a sole at the bottom of the stairs waiting to get out. With the station closed people can't get in but by the same token people who alighted at Oxford Circus couldn't get out. Where had they all gone? There must be a secret entrance that they let people of which I have now made my mission to discover.
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
      ( 10:30 PM ) Spengy  

JESUSSHITCHRISTONABIKEBO
LLOCKSBUMHOLEFUCKARSE


Here was me thinking no one loved me anymore. I was beginning to enjoy the wallowing in self pity. The quietly calming quality of the depths of depression. The anonimity of just another blog residing on the Z-list, slow turning in an eddy far from the main current. Oh woo is me ............. what ............. sorry ................. my comment thingy isn't working ......... oh .............. sorry .............. any recommendations on what to replace it with ........... what .......... you can't leave a comment ........... ah, bit of a catch-22 then isn't it .......... try email
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Monday, January 19, 2004
      ( 10:44 PM ) Spengy  

THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO - #26

Seeing there was a total lack of response to my Wednesday post last week (yes I know "comments" was down for several days but that just gave you more time to come up with your pithy statement) this is all you are going to get.

When washing brand new business shirts read the washing instructions rather than assuming that because they are white they should go in the wash on the hottest setting. Anyone out there with a size 33 neck? Thank god the January sales were still on.
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
      ( 8:05 PM ) Spengy  

THE STELLA AWARDS

A post for when one has little time to do it. An old one that has been floating about on email for about a year. I hope the 2003 one starts circulating soon.

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuit in the United States. Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teens who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 list without question.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tail bone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:
This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R. V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned.Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying recreation vehicles.

Thanks Marky Mark
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
      ( 7:54 PM ) Spengy  

TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG

Christ this office work malarkey is a bit shit. What was I thinking? I'm just such a slut to money. I just have to face it. I'm a thought prostitute. I'll always sell my mind to the highest bidder but they always seem to get the pound of flesh (and blood) as well.

Here is the question. To spend my limited time blogging or reading others blogs. You decide.

If thee choose the former why not decide what the next "Things It Is Best Not to Do" should be while you are at it.

1. Climbing Bridges
2. Model Rocketry
3. Surfing Dumpers

I suppose this is all academic really as my Comments appears to have disappeared again.
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004
      ( 9:21 PM ) Spengy  

SHOCK THERAPY

After twelve months of trying to get a job behind a desk, wear a suit and commute on the train I succeeded. After two days of doing this bar work doesn't seem so bad after all. To tired to think let alone blog and the bastards monitor net access while at work. I shall try and find a way around that one otherwise posts will start to become sporadic at best.

Before I forget I would like to put in a permanent standing order for beer at Friday Cocktails over at Uborka - thanking you in anticipation.
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Friday, January 09, 2004
      ( 10:14 AM ) Spengy  

TOO MUCH

It is my second last shift at the bar today but everyone seems intent on me not making it to the end. If I drink another Guinness I think I'll explode - well my head will anyway. I have the hangover from hell that includes coma inducing headache, evil smelling farts and dry retching.

Lord, please give me strength to see this day out.
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Wednesday, January 07, 2004
      ( 4:02 PM ) Spengy  

OH BUGGER

Something is not quite right with the state of Spengy's home computer - hence at great expense I sit in a battery-hen style booth at easyInternetCafe in McDonald's at Richmond (yes they do cater for poor people in this town). My Norton internet security keeps crashing or switching itself off while I'm on the net which is most upsetting not to mention unsettling.

I have spent most of today tinkering (off line of course) to work out what is wrong. After trying all sorts of things I finally discovered the problem. It was really simple actually. It was one of those things that when you realise what was causing it you hit your forehead and wonder how you even managed to learn how to tie-up your shoelaces. It simply boiled down to the fact that I'm a complete moron when it comes to computers. It is just going to have to wait until my first "corporate oppressor" pay packet and it will be in the taxi down to PC World with the tower balanced on my knee. There I will leave it with the instructions "fix it - I don't care, just ring me when it is better".

So until then my postings will be intermittent unless they give me access at work (mwhahahahaha).

PS Thanks to everyone for the kind words regarding my future employment
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Tuesday, January 06, 2004
      ( 4:36 PM ) Spengy  

FINALLY

After almost 12 months in this god forsaken country someone has offered me a real job. I start on Monday next as a suited corporate oppressor in property asset management.

Yippeeeeeeeeeee
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Monday, January 05, 2004
      ( 11:55 AM ) Spengy  

STOOD UP

Never trust a blogger to be good to their word. Never trust family either.

I returned back from holidays a week before Mrs Spengy. This is the scourge of bar work - you either get Christmas or New Year off - never both. I worked hard. I worked the 31st; 1st; 2nd; 3rd and 4th straight. The 2nd was the hardest as it was a split shift from 11am through to 1am with a 3 hour break in the late afternoon. You'd think I'd take that opportunity to get my head down for a hour or so. Not on this day. Despite my eyes hanging out of my head I hung around as arrangements had been made with another local blogger to meet a number of visiting overseas bloggers . The time was set for around "2pm-ish".

No one at 2pm - not to worry they'll be along soon
No one at 3pm (shift break commences) - not to worry they'll be along soon so I'll hang around
No one at 4pm (shift break continues) - not to worry they'll be along soon so I'll hang around
No one at 5pm (shift break continues) - not to worry they'll be along soon so I'll hang around
No one at 6pm (shift break finishes) - where the fuck are they? I have just wasted 3 hours.
No one at 7pm - not to worry they'll be along soon but I better ring to find out what is going on

Apparently Campden Town is a much better place to hang out - Thanks for informing me (you know who you are). I might not be as important as others but I do have other things to do.
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