Dispatch RiderBritish Dispatches
Thursday, September 09, 2004
      ( 10:43 PM ) Spengy  

JOURNEY 1, 2 SKIP A FEW 99, 100

That's right boys and girls, this slightly overweight, receding hairlined, middle aged bloke is in full-time employment and riding to work each day on his stainless steel hybrid street cycle - otherwise known as "The Tractor". Rain, hail or shine, hot or cold - well cold really most of the time - I can be found cranking the pedals to and from Richmond to the city centre. My scenic route takes me along the Thames, over Putney Bridge (four lanes of lunacy), up Kings Road through Chelsea (darling), around Sloane Square (darling, darling), across Knightsbridge (darling, darling, darling), into Hyde Park, on up to Marble Arch (well almost, I can see it from where a cross Park Lane - which by the way is not a lane but 8 lanes of insanity), past the American Embassy (where I get to wave at the friendly London bobbies packing "don't mess with me" Hekkler & Koch machine guns behind massive concrete bollards) and park across the road from Claridges (home to the worlds most foul mouthed angry chef - Gordon Ramsey aka dickhead).

The best bit about the commute is that I get to race a whole heap of prestige and supercars up King Street in Chelsea. Unfortunately for tin-tops this street is guaranteed to be a single file crawl in both directions. Where as for those two wheel lycra clad commuters brave enough to clench their sphincter and play chicken it is a race track. I have dragged and beaten Ferraris, Lamborghini's, AC Cobras, Caterham 7's, Koenigseggs, Maseratis, Porsches (dime a dozen), BMW M series, Lotus's, a Dodge Viper, DB7's 8's and a few 9's (Aston Martins for you heathens), Jaguars, Bentleys, Rolls Royce's and even a McLaren.

Why is this ramble titled "JOURNEY 1, 2 SKIP A FEW 99, 100" I can hear you ask. It is simple, the ride is 10 miles long so I am clocking up 100 miles a week on the tractor (that is 160km for the rest of the world that doesn't see the need to cling to some outdated measurement system to remind themselves that they were once an empire - mind you the title wouldn't have worked with "160").

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Friday, September 03, 2004
      ( 10:04 PM ) Spengy  

PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

I have to undertake performance appraisals again for my staff. There is one who is beyond belief. Which of the following options would you choose for me to put down at the end of the report as the overall summary. Leave your vote in "Comments".

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When they opens their mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young person has delusions of adequacy."

7. "They set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner they start, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "This employee doesn't have ulcers, but they are definitely a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with them sometime."

14. "This employee has been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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