Dispatch RiderBritish Dispatches
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
      ( 8:04 PM ) Spengy  


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all.

Until the 29th. Have a good one or be good at it.

Monday, December 22, 2003
      ( 12:37 PM ) Spengy  


In an attempt to boost support for their mission in Iraq the US State Department has just released a tape recording of the 101st Airborne Division's capture of Saddem Hussein;

GI Joe: Charlie one zero fiver do you copy - over
C105: We copy you - over

(several seconds of static)

GI Joe: We have secured the farmhouse perimeter - over
C105: Proceed with mission - you are cleared to enter - Delta Force have your position covered - over

(more static)

GI Joe: Squad move out - Denzel you take point - Bubba and Kowalski take the left flank - the rest of you follow me

(more static)

C105: Report your position - over

(more static)

C105: Report your position - over

(more static)

GI Joe: Charlie one zero fiver we have found a concealed manhole - over
C105: We copy you - proceed with caution - over
GI Joe: Copy

(more static)

GI Joe: Charlie one zero fiver we think we have found the Ace of Spades - we need an interpreter - he is mumbling something in Arabic - over
C105: We copy you - over

(more static)

C105: You should have your interpreter - report status - over

(more static)

C105: Report status - over

(more static)

GI Joe: Charlie one zero fiver - we have the interpreter - over
C105: Report status - what is the Ace of Spades saying - over

(more static)

GI Joe: He appears to be asking if he has beaten David Blaine - over

(more static)

End of recording

Friday, December 19, 2003
      ( 9:03 AM ) Spengy  

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that is where you get shitty ideas from.

Thanks Bronagh

Thursday, December 18, 2003
      ( 7:09 PM ) Spengy  


Q: What do you call a girl who can put her legs on either side of a tennis court?
A: Annette

Wednesday, December 17, 2003
      ( 10:29 AM ) Spengy  


Just remember when you are out for your Christmas party with work there are barstaff serving you who are not celebrating. We ask that you remember:

1. We do not wish to serve you extra drinks after "Time". We want to go home to our beds.
2. Dancing on the table is not recommended. We have to polish out the scratches.
3. Not having the money ready when we finish your large order is annoying but waiting while you try and count out the exact amount is infuriating. By the way we are not expected to appreciate this enormous effort you have gone to searching around in the corners of your purse/wallet for that 2p to give us precisely £23.47. What we do appreciate is a tip.
4. When you have had your twenty minutes drinking time after "Time" we are closed. That means you walk/stagger/crawl to the door (I don't care which - just fuck off now please sir) promptly. It does not mean the bar staff wish to enter into a conversation about being allowed to finish your drink which you purchased at least 20 minutes ago.

I am tired, exhausted and grumpy this morning. I have to now leave to do this all over again. At least I'm on the day shift today.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003
      ( 10:20 AM ) Spengy  


Channel Five displayed a drama last night portraying one side of the MMR debate. Afterwards there was a panel discussion in an attempt to balance the issue. Unfortunately most people would have turned off the TV after the drama to go to bed. All the facts were there but again the basics were ignored. Without the vaccines children would be exposed to horrendous diseases that can lead to debilitating results. With the vaccine there is a small risk that the child may run the risk of contracting autism.

Lets put the risks in perspective. Since the vaccine there has been a 20% drop in the cases of the disease the vaccine treats. The chance of autism is about 1 in 10,000. You have a 1 in 1,000 chance of dying from a general anesthetic but you don't hear the same media frenzy about people going under the knife. Get a grip and get on with your lives.

Monday, December 15, 2003
      ( 3:15 PM ) Spengy  


Here are five of the worst pick-up lines I've heard of;

1. Is that a mirror in your pocket, 'cause I can see myself in your pants?
2. Have you got spanner eyes, because every time I look in them my nuts get tighter?
3. I've lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
4. Can I borrow 20p? I need to call my Mum and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
5. I'm headed home to masterbate and was after a name to go with the face.....

I'm sure there are worse (maybe not worse than "5.") so please add them into "Comments".

Courtesy of TNT

Friday, December 12, 2003
      ( 10:48 AM ) Spengy  


My mother always said that I should go out with a girl who had small hands. That way it would always make my dick look bigger.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003
      ( 12:19 PM ) Spengy  


The Rugby Boy – A real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Big. Very Big. Large hands. Head small – grows straight up from the shoulders with no neck. Normally wears Ralph Lauren monogrammed clothing with comfortable loafers and drinks quietly. On rugby days they transform into team shirt wearing drinking machines that think smoking cigars at the bar and breaking into verses of “Swing Low” is cool. Normally the last to leave the bar leaning heavily on each other. It is not uncommon to find the odd casualty slumped in a toilet cubicle or on the footpath outside.

The Wine Taster – A true connoisseur. Swirls the glass to release the bouquet for the nose. Holds the wine in the mouth to allow all the wines complexities to be revealed to the palate. He holds the glass at the stem between middle and ring finger and never the cup so as not to spoil the wine with body heat. It is just a shame we sell pub wine and not £30 bottles. What a wine wanker.

The Underager – Always travel in packs of three or more and dressed smartly so as not to draw suspicion. They mill about several feet away from the bar and send the oldest looking to order the drinks so as not to draw suspicion. The drinks are normally malibu and pineapple juice (or some thing else sweet ‘sophisticated’) so as not to draw suspicion. They react with horror when asked to produce ID showing that they are over eighteen and even more so when asked to produce the same for the others that they are buying for. They react with absolute disgust when they are unable to prove their age and are asked to leave. Which part of “fuck off” don’t they understand?

The Screecher – The worst of all. Look fine and act accordingly but as soon as they open their mouth the whole pub is aware of what they are thinking. You can hear them across a packed bar and it can cut through the music playing (no matter what volume setting you crank it up to). This is a voice that could strip paint off a chair at fifty paces. “Please ma’m, let me order you a taxi for where you are going ….. now”.

The Cynic – Me

The Babe – A real doll. A drop dead gorgeous girl. Cute smile. Great figure. Boy and does she know how to use it. She never sits in a quiet little corner. Oh no, that would never do. She must sit perched on her seat in the middle of the pub where all and sundry can see her and admire her preening herself. What a complete tease and utter flirt. And before you ask the barman if we know her name or have a phone number stop and think. If we have managed to discover that what makes you think we’re going to tell you. Our shift doesn’t end for another two hours and there is no way you are going to get that sort of headstart. Besides we’d like to see you try. Many have crashed and burnt before you and it provides us with entertainment watching you try. “Another beer sir - for courage?”

see Oct 23, 2003 for original "BAR FLIES"

Monday, December 08, 2003
      ( 10:39 AM ) Spengy  


When you have had several after work drinks and a fellow staff member asks you to cover their shifts next week remember that you agreed. I am now working my usuall shifts plus a double tomorrow. Worse I have just discovered that I am due there now for the day shift - bugger. I won't be around for a couple of days so amuse yourselves but don't make too much mess.

While I'm away choose between these for my next post;
1. Why Not To Work In A Nightclub
2. Barflies 2 (see Oct 23rd post)
3. Model Rocketry

Leave your vote in Comments.

Friday, December 05, 2003
      ( 10:15 AM ) Spengy  


Last night working at the bar I heard three inappropriate Michael Jackson jokes;

Q: When is it bedtime at NeverNever Land?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What is the alleged difference between a rubbish bag and MJ?
A: One is black, made out of plastic and dangerous if left with children - the other you put your rubbish in.

Q: What is the alleged similarity between scotch whiskey and MJ?
A: Both come in tots.

Thursday, December 04, 2003
      ( 11:06 AM ) Spengy  


It seems everyone is posting their different "Why I don't like Christmas" rant (that's right - you are all individuals). What a load of depressing shite about a period of the year where even the most horrible person should at least display a modicum of decency. Get a hold of yourselves. If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. Let those who can see that season is about goodwill to all mankind get on with it. Deck the halls with bows of holly tra-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

I enjoy the festive season as it is a time of celebration (and of course lots of drinking), catching up with old friends and seeing the family. Unfortunately the latter two are going to be difficult seeing I'm on the other side of the world. Well they say giving is better than receiving and I'm a good exponent of that. I take a long time choosing interesting presents for the recipient that are more than the last minute set of socks or cheap aftershave/perfume/soap. This often works out to be expensive but I the enjoyment I get from doing it makes it worthwhile.

Once the ideal present has been chosen it must be carefully wrapped and card attached. Then they are placed under the Christmas tree until the intended recipient visits or you visit them. Again this year this is going to be difficult as most are on the otherside of the world. Not an issue really as we have been making use of bubblewrap and postpacks. The counter staff at the local post office now know us by name. The downside of sending presents to the other side of the world is that the charge for this is astronomical - it often costs three times the value of the present you intend to send. This is a problem when still effectively unemployed and earning below survival wages at the pub (what is it with the hourly rate of pay - do they assume barstaff will survive by drinking lime&soda and eating all the crisps behind the bar when on shift and starve when not as they don't have enough money to feed themselves - sorry I digress).

That is what I hate about Christmas - and everyone is getting socks or cheap aftershave/perfume/soap as I have discovered they are cheaper to post.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003
      ( 11:32 AM ) Spengy  


It appears that Blogspot is refusing to allow me access to my blog. It gives a deeper blue screen than the brighter Microsoft "blue screen of death" with an Error 500 and tells me that administrators have been notified. Unfortunately for you that means no erudite musings or screamingly funny observations until the whole thing is fixed - I bid you adieu on my forced hiatus.

Monday, December 01, 2003
      ( 10:24 AM ) Spengy  


British Breakfast: Fried egg, bacon, sausage, fried tomato, baked beans, black/white pudding and toast
Continental Breakfast: Cereal, cold meats, cheeses, fruit and heavy rye breads
Aussie Bushmans Breakfast: A smoke and a look around

Musings of an Aussie living in the UK

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