Dispatch RiderBritish Dispatches
Friday, November 28, 2003
      ( 12:51 PM ) Spengy  

GOD IS ON OUR SIDE

I just knew it, we'll never walk alone. We could do with some divine intervention right about now.
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Thursday, November 27, 2003
      ( 11:13 AM ) Spengy  

WHY RUGBY UNION SHOULD NOT HAVE TURNED PROFESSIONAL

I knew there was something not quite right about the world champion English rugby team. This article now confirms that they are nothing but a bunch of big girly girls. Yes this is a sour grapes post. Do you want to make something of it?
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
      ( 11:10 AM ) Spengy  

THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO - #26

At the end of the night when you have kicked out all the punters and sat down for a staff drink be wary of cocktails bought by the landlord. This is especially so when flaming sambuccas are involved. Remember that you should only try one trick per shot. Do not impress fellow bar staff with the flaming finger extinguished in the mouth and try and follow this on with a hoover using the same lit glass. If you do you will walk around the next day with a blister tracing the rim of the shot glass on the palm of your hand. Ooooouuuccchhhhh - it hurts.
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
      ( 10:36 AM ) Spengy  

THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO - #25 or SLAG THE DJ

When I was growing up in Cronulla there were many drinking establishments. Over time due to the redevelopment of the beachside suburb these have been reduced to one pub and one nightclub (we don't count bowling clubs - of which there are several - as they are for the 65+ generation although the beer is very cheap). You could go out and party to your hearts content and invariably you would end up at Biggles (the one nightclub) until 3am.

Biggles was a dive from the moment it opened its doors to the youth of Cronulla in the early 1980's. Dim lighting, expensive drinks, sticky carpet and the all pervasive smell of stale beer and cigarette smoke. You knew you were going to hate it from the moment you lined up outside but there was nowhere else open. The music was appalling - 80's mainstream crap.

Eventually I grew up and moved away from the area. In the late 90's I was living in Brisbane and on one of my visits back home I met up with some old friends and of course we ended up in Biggles. Nothing had changed. The decor was the same, the drinks were still expensive and they were still playing the same crap mix of mainstream 80's music.

The next day found me in the centre of Sydney at the Rocks celebrating another friends birthday. We got chatting about this and that;

Female Friend: What did you end up doing last night?
Me: We went out in Cronulla and ended up in Biggles.
Female Friend: How was that?
Me: You know, terrible. Nothing had changed.
Female Friend: So you didn't enjoy yourself?
Me: Not really. It was nice to catch up with everyone but Biggles is such a dive.
Female Friend: You didn't enjoy the music?
Me: Are you joking? That was the worst bit. They were still playing the same shit tunes as they were when I was last there 10 years ago. You'd think they'd get the DJ to move with the times or sack him.
Female Friend: Really (pauses) Have you met my new boyfriend?
Me: No. Please to meet you.
Female Friend: He's the DJ at Biggles
Me: ..........
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Monday, November 24, 2003
      ( 9:27 PM ) Spengy  

POLICE WARNING - MALE DATE RAPE

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this insidious Beer drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Thanks Ray
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      ( 2:03 PM ) Spengy  

HOLLOW

Apology: THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO will be delayed until tomorrow

I was born in England so have religiously supported them in all their sporting endeavors. This has been a difficult thing having grown up in Australia. The last time I can remember being really proud was the 1981 Ashes series. Since then I have had to suffer the ignominy of being the loyal supporter of teams that somehow manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on uncountable occasions. I have had to suffer the teasing of friends and foe alike who supported the all conquering Australians in most sports. I have had to accept the one sided reporting by the Australian press.

Last weekend I witnessed the best Rugby World Cup final. It had it all. Two old foes going head to head. The lead changing. Extra time. Edge of the seat stuff. Jonny Wilkinson's drop goal in the dying stages. I should have been jumping from the rooftops. Yet I felt strangely hollow. This was a game that I couldn't lose and couldn't win. England was my birthplace and Australia made me what I am.

All the things that I hated the Australian press for; all the things I hated my mates for teasing me about England; I found was just the same when we moved to London at the beginning of the year. It was just the other way around. First there was the football international between England and Australia - the first time in history Australia had won - yet the press couldn't find one nice word to say about the visiting team. There wasn't one "Well done Australia", instead it was all about the bad performance of a "B" grade English squad. Talk about being one-eyed.

As we ran up to the Rugby World Cup both countries sniped at each other in the press but England were ranked No.1 and everyone was predicting a New Zealand v. England final. Australia didn't even rate a look in. The English press were particularly scathing about the host nation and then had the temerity to get their noses out of joint about a headline inferring that the English team were one dimensional. Against all the predictions Australia did manage to make it to the final and gave a good show against a superior team. The final was a cracker. The better team won on the day but not before the underdog gave them a few scares. All finals should be as close and exciting as that one.

Australia normally won everything while I doggedly supported England. When the time came for English to ascend to the top of the rugby tree I was living in London and getting pissed off with the British press for all the same reasons that Australian press annoyed me. I went for the underdog and as usual the Australia's spoiled my day by losing.

Great game - congratulations England: I just wish I'd been living in Australia as I'm sure I'd have been wearing my white top proudly railing against the Australian press and getting some back on my mates. Instead I railed against the English press and got teased by my English mates. It made me feel like I was back in Oz but just a bit colder and wetter.
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Friday, November 21, 2003
      ( 10:13 AM ) Spengy  

NEWS FLASH

We interrupt normal programming of "THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO" to bring you the latest breaking news from the World Cup in Australia.

The English Rugby Union Team in Disarray

The England team's training session was delayed today for nearly three hours at Telstra Stadium. One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field. Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were called into investigate. After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when officials decided that it was unlikely that the English team would encounter the substance again.
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Thursday, November 20, 2003
      ( 10:50 AM ) Spengy  

HUNG IN THE BALANCE

Which one? Estee has gone for Rocketry; Courtney has gone for the DJ; Kate is undecided-ish; where is Daisy and all her split personalities the last time I did this?
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003
      ( 2:14 PM ) Spengy  

YOUR CHOICE

It's about time for another "Things It Is Best Not To Do". Which one would you like to hear?

1. Model Rocketry
2. Climbing Bridges
3. Slag the DJ

Leave your pick in Comments.
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Tuesday, November 18, 2003
      ( 1:04 PM ) Spengy  

SPENT

A combimation of guest blogging and my birthday celebrations finds me spent, absent, tired, exhausted, nil, void, blackhole, nothingness, bottomless pit, expired, vortex, vacuum, stuffed, finished, had it, empty or is just plain hungover?
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Friday, November 14, 2003
      ( 12:04 AM ) Spengy  

CURSES FROM AROUND THE WORLD (cont'd)

As continued from yesterday at my guest-blogging position at Audi Olympics;

Spanish: I shit on the balls of your dead ones
Nigerian: Cursed be your mother's anus. Cursed be your father's testicles
Irish: May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope
Australian: May your beer be warm and flat
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Wednesday, November 12, 2003
      ( 12:32 PM ) Spengy  

ABBREVIATIONS (cont'd)

As continued from yesterday at my guest-blogging position at Audi Olympics;

FRITH: Fucked right in the head
LOMBARD: Lots of money but a right dick
FIGJAM: Fuck I'm good, just ask me
RS: Ratshit
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Tuesday, November 11, 2003
      ( 1:22 PM ) Spengy  

THINGS IT IS BEST NOT TO DO - #24

When on an early shift at the pub do not confuse the snooze button with the off button if you want an extra 10 minutes in bed before getting up. Couple this with being a guest blogger over at Audi Olympics; promising Mrs Spengy I would tidy up, fold the washing, do a bit of shopping and leave something on the side for her tea; I am now very late - Good afternoon.
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Monday, November 10, 2003
      ( 10:55 AM ) Spengy  

BOOK REVIEW

Spies by Michael Frayn

Great read. More enjoyable than Headlong. The change of tact at the end was typical Frayn. Almost as if you were one of the child central characters perceiving the adult world through "half-understood" truths and assumptions. Sharp, witty and short.
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Friday, November 07, 2003
      ( 9:51 AM ) Spengy  

QUOTE FOR THE MORNING

Beer. Not just for breakfast.
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Thursday, November 06, 2003
      ( 2:46 AM ) Spengy  

Can You Speak a Foreign Language? (Cont'd)

As previously posted over at Audi Olympics as part of my Guest Blogging these are the ones I couldn't do due to the no swearing rule;
1. Does an eagles arsehole pucker in a power dive? = Is a frogs arse watertight? = Yes
2. You are a real wonderboy = You make me fucking wonder = idiot
3. Wanker = Wanker = Wanker
4. Don't post when pissed = Don't post when pissed = Australian
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Tuesday, November 04, 2003
      ( 10:23 AM ) Spengy  

BORED

Incest: Relatively boring

Necrophilia: Dead boring
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Monday, November 03, 2003
      ( 11:35 AM ) Spengy  

GONE

Sorry - Britishes Dispatches is temporarily closed due to lack of original ideas. They have been transferred to Audi Olympics where I am guest blogging. One of the rules is that I'm not allowed to swear so I'm going to drop my redundant expletives here;

Fuckshitarseholewankertwuntdickheadtosserwangert
itsknobbastardplonkertwatmanchesterunitedbuggerd
amnpooweewillybumboob ............ aaahhhh thats better.
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